Why Relationships Are So Complicated : Exploring the 4 attachment styles
- Dena Bradford
- Feb 19
- 3 min read
Why do relationships have to be so hard and complicated?
If you're wondering why relationships are hard, odds are high that you are navigating a bumpy patch right now. Occasional issues are a normal part of being in a relationship with another person, and I hope this quick insight that I'm going to share with you today can help you navigate this a bit easier.
Why you love the way that you love, and why they love in the way that they love:
Welcome to Attachment Theory 101
It seems like our parents (or primary caregivers) are created by universal design to be the people who either set us up for success in life or fall short and leave us with some traumas. Either way, how you bond with your primary caregiver in the first few months of life will set the foundation for every relationship in your life.
Here's a simple quiz you can use to understand how you'll show up in relationships:
Recognize your attachment style
Secure Attachment: as a child, your first interactions with caregivers was one of trust, and co-emotional regulation. Your needs were mostly met, and you formed a solid and secure attachment with parents or primary caregivers. You felt safe confident and safe to explore the world around you.
As an adult, you are self-confident, form relationships easily, and are successful.
Insecure Attachment Styles: Anxious Ambivalent, Anxious Avoidant & Anxious Disorganized
Notice these all start with the word anxious? If you or your partner fall into one of these categories -- you will have a more difficult time navigating relationships. These attachments form because of inconsistent or unpredictable caregivers.
Anxious Ambivalent: Maybe as a child, you did not get the attention you needed, so you resorted to acting out - crying, yelling, temper tantrums to get that attention. When your caregiver gave attention to you as a result of these behaviors -- the behaviors became reinforced.
As an adult, you are not as self-confident, and may be unpredictable and/or moody in relationships. You may be clingy, and need constant reassurance in the relationship for fear of being abandoned.
Anxious Avoidant: A scenario might look like this: as a child, your primary caregiver believed that "sparing the rod spoils the child" and may have also yelled. Maybe when you were vulnerable, it didn't go well for you. You therefore avoided emotional trust for fear of getting hurt as a young child.
As an adult, your self-image is less positive. You may struggle with "letting people in" emotionally because you fear getting hurt. You may come across as unpredictable, while still wanting intimate relationships -- so you'll come across as warm and loving and then cold and distant at times.
Anxious Disorganized: This attachment style happens when you were afraid of your primary caregiver.
As an adult, your self-image is low. You engage in pull/push relationships. You want relationships, so you crave intimacy but will push people away. Your trust is low, and you ma appear as a mesh of the ambivalent and anxious attachment styles. You may have a hard time developing friendships, relationships, and setting boundaries. You want intimacy, but you are afraid of it.
Building Secure Relationships
The good news is this - it is possible to build secure relationships, no matter how you were raised. Here are some steps you can take to start that journey:
Name it to tame it - understand your attachment style and how it impacts your life.
Communicate your style - tell the people in our circle that you can trust what your attachment style is.
Therapy is ok - you may need therapy to work on some of this, and it's ok.
Focus on what you can do before things happen - if you are going on a date or in a new relationship, script out possible scenarios that might activate you so that you can navigate these moments better.
Realize that you can not change someone else's attachment style an more than they can change yours, but understanding the why helps growth on the path to finding a healthy, secure love.
Self-Study & Reflection
Journal about your attachment style.
What do you notice?
Is your attachment style secure or insecure?
Do you notice patterns in your relationships because of your attachment style?
Journal on a relationship you have, or have had and identify both attachment styles.
What do you notice?
Is there secure attachment in the dynamic? If so, where?
Do you find a push-pull dynamic? If so, where?
Do you find a hot & cold dynamic? If so, where?
Do you find a clinginess and moodiness? If so, where?
Now that you have named it, what is one step you can take to better navigate relationships in your life?
If you try this exercise, and get hung up -- drop me a line and I'll try and help.
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